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The Working Mother

Democratic notions

The tide is beginning to turn in the world social order. Traditional family roles are changing as democratic notions creep into the social system. Earlier, it was assumed to be written in stone that the man was the provider in the family and the woman the homemaker. In India, while a majority of the women may still be fighting against the old order, some have definitely seen the light at the end of the tunnel. And it is not just because women are beginning to realize that there is a world outside their kitchen windows. Women are also turning out in large numbers in the work force due to economic necessity.

But as in the case of every social change, there is a lag between actions and attitudes. While people may be willing to accept the idea of career women, they are not willing to excuse them from their duties as career moms. The attitude towards working women seems to be that while people have no objection to availing of their talents and abilities outside the home, women are not allowed to compromise on home life. And if they do, they should be made to feel the error of their ways. In the first place, the term 'working mother' is a misnomer as mothers are working round the clock even if they don't go to an office. Being a working mother is not the easiest job in the world. Some women are good at it, some don't have a choice, some choose a middle path and some don't even try it. The point is that it is the women who should have the right to exercise the option to work or not to work, assuming that they have one. And if they do elect to pursue a career, it is important that their families be supportive.


Making the decision

Mothers who have a choice whether to work or not to work have to consider many things before they take the decision. First of all, they need to be clear about their priorities. Does the baby and family come first or is a career and financial security of greater importance? They also have to decide whether they would be happy having servants or other family members look after their children. They need to realize that by taking the decision to work, they will probably miss out on all the major milestones of their babies' lives. Mothers need to remember that a job can be very demanding not only in terms of time, but also energy. Women spread themselves really thin trying to juggle work life and home life. They will have to consider the stress factor of the job because it is not easy to cope with the pressures of a high-stress job and the demands of a baby. Women should also discuss their decision to work or not with their spouses because they will need their support. It may help to find a job that has flexi-hours. It will make it easier for mothers to be able to stay home on days when there is no other caretaker for the baby or to leave early if there is an emergency.

Sushmita Roy gave up a lucrative career as a management consultant with a multinational and started her own web design firm so that she could work from home. She says, "After Tara was born, I decided that I couldn't go back to working at a job with such long and erratic hours. I didn't want to miss out on any special moments in my daughter's life. But at the same time, I didn't want to be a full-time mother because I really enjoyed working. Working from home was the only option."

Some women have no choice. Veena Marathe had to start working because she and her husband realized that his salary would not be enough to live on once the baby arrived. Veena started working as a receptionist when her baby was one year old. She says. "I felt terrible leaving my baby at such a young age, but I had no choice. It's not easy being a working mother. I come home tired from work and I have to look after the baby and cook and clean. I get so irritated with my husband and I have even begun to resent the baby's demands and I know it's because I'm so tired. To make things worse, I don't like my job. I'm just doing it for the money. "

Suhasini Mehta dreams of becoming a partner in the law firm she works for. She says, "My job is high-stress and I have to work long hours, but I am determined to make it to the top. I live with my in-laws and both they and my husband are very supportive. I know that my in-laws will take good care of my daughter so I can work with a clear conscience."


When to return to work

Mothers often worry that their babies will forget them once they return to work. But they need not fear because babies recognize their mother's voices right from birth and are not going to forget even if their mothers are away for the whole day. The question then is when is the best time to go back to work? According to Dr. Sushma Mehrotra, "Ideally a working mother should only return to work when her baby is at least one year old. Otherwise, there is a danger that the baby may develop separation anxiety." Experts feel that mothers should wait till they have bonded with the baby and feel confident in their new role as mothers. For women who don't have a choice, it really depends on the amount of maternity leave they can wangle.


Spending quality time

According to Dr. Mehrotra, it is not the quantity of time mothers spend with their children but the quality that matters. "A working mother who spends one hour of quality time every day with her child will probably establish a better bond with her child than one who is home nagging the child all the time."

In Dr. Mehrotra's view, "Working mothers definitely have less time to spend with their children than the mothers who are at home. But it's not that a housewife is a better mother than a working mother. Even if the working mother is pressed for time, as long as she spends quality time with her child it is enough. Sometimes mothers are around the house the whole day but they don't even look at their children. They provide them with food and other facilities, but their involvement with the child is minimum. They think their presence is enough. But that is not true. It is quality time and the way you interact with your children that makes the difference."

"For instance, if a working mother takes the trouble to find out what her child has been doing the whole day and accepts the child's reply, she will probably have a better bond with her child. On the other hand, a child may feel rejected if a mother who has been home the whole day has not bothered to see what her child is up to. It really depends on the kind of communication and bonding that mothers have with their children. Mothers must talk to their children, they must interact with them and must accept their children."

Quality time does not imply that the mother must cram a hundred activities in the little free time that she has to spend with her child. It is enough to just spend time together doing routine things like eating together or just cuddling each other. Mothers should talk to their children telling them about their day and asking about theirs. Given the fact that time is of the essence, mothers need to prioritize household chores and only do those that are absolutely essential on a daily basis. Mothers should try to tune out distractions like the television, radio and telephone calls when they are spending some special time with their babies. Quality time should not be restricted to the mother and baby alone. Mothers shouldn't forget the fathers and should make it a point to involve them in quality time activities.


The disadvantages

In the long run, in a situation where both parents are working and not spending enough time with their children, it can have an adverse effect on the child's development. Dr. Mehrotra feels, "Children may feel neglected and seek stimulation outside the house. Servants can look after a child's basic needs, but they cannot be responsible for the child's intellectual, social and emotional development."

In her experience, Dr. Mehrotra has found that very often, mothers who have to go back to work are not happy leaving their child at such a young age. They feel guilty and anxious and their anxiety is transmitted to the child. The mother will phone home ten times a day to find out what is happening and try to give instructions over the phone. This can make the whole family develop neurotic tendencies. "When a mother is anxious, she makes everybody anxious."

"Often working mothers succumb to children's demands very easily because they feel guilty. They feel that they can compensate for their absence by giving their children money. But a child's needs are not material. Children want warmth and emotional security," says Dr. Mehrotra.

Probably the best thing for women to do if they want to work is to either work part-time or to get a job that has flexi-hours or to work freelance. However, in cases where mothers have no family at home to leave their children with, a good creche may be an option to consider. Ideally, a person running a creche will be educated and experienced with children and definitely a better option than leaving children to their own devices or with servants. But mothers must be very careful about checking the credentials of the person running the creche and speak to parents of other children in the creche before they take a decision to send their child to one.

How to handle your child’s TV time

Tired of telling your children to stop being couch potatoes?
If you have realized that you cannot stop your children from watching TV, here are tips that at least help you to get the best out of the idiot box.


* Select the programmes your children watch

Choose the programmes your children should watch, of course keeping in mind their likes and dislikes. As far as possible, avoid the overdose of sex and violence that is integral to many TV programmes. It adversely affects impressionable minds. You should be able to clearly underline the programmes not meant for children, at least in the initial years. This task is not easy, but one can make a dent when the children are in their formative years.
* Watch with them

Let TV time be family time. While answering your children’s queries about television, try to understand their thinking processes. Not only will that establish your rapport with your children, but it will mean quality time that will be cherished throughout life.
* Arouse their curiosity

Ask them questions related to their favorite programmes. TV can be a learning experience if TV watching is made interactive by nature. For instance, while watching a science quiz/mythological serial/chat show, ask them to relate to their classroom experiences.
* TV time should never be overlapped with meals

Doctors often warn against watching television during dinnertime. Watching TV while eating can cause severe and chronic indigestion. It can also lead to obesity as children sit glued to the TV set. Moreover, they do not enjoy food while concentrating on their favorite programmes. They have to be taught to ration their TV viewing. Otherwise, they will never enjoy other forms of entertainment like reading, outdoor games and sports, swimming and various performing arts. Children have to be consciously introduced to these avenues.
* Discourage late night television viewing

Children, especially the school-going kind, should never be allowed to watch TV after ten’ o’clock in the night. Not only does it affect the eyesight, but it also disturbs the morning routine on the next day. Inculcate the `early-to-bed’ `early to rise’ habit in your little ones.

Have the courage to say 'no' to your children

Have the courage to say 'no' to your children


Train your children to digest disappointments, denials and refusals.

Modern life is not only competitive but also stressful in many aspects. Children have to gradually adapt themselves to this demanding environment at some point of time. This is exactly why parents need to train their young ones accordingly. Children must be taught to take a `no’, not only from parents but also friends, teachers, neighbours and even strangers.


Discipline begins at home

Some parents tend to pamper children unreasonably. Abundance of anything, ranging from toys, games, sweets and chocolates, spoils children at a very young age. In fact, research has shown that children brought up in over-affluent families tend to lose their faculty of imagination. Since they have too much on their platter, it becomes difficult for them to yearn for anything. Therefore, parents should not bombard their children with more than what is needed. The need for this inherent discipline has to be internalized by parents themselves. Parents should be prepared to prepare their children for the rough and the smooth in life.


Never satisfy all demands

Although parents derive immense satisfaction from fulfilling their children’s wishes, they should deliberately leave some wishes unfulfilled. If every whim and fancy of the child is entertained, the child grows up to be a very self-centered person. Even a single `no’ can put him or her off balance. Such children take their whims to an illogical extent. For instance, if they fancy a person who does not reciprocate their feelings, they may get violent out of frustration. Or they might not be able to digest rejection in a job interview later in life. Over pampered children are also prone to acute depression mainly because they cannot take disappointments in the right spirit.


Never encourage comparisons

Parents should always discourage their child’s tendency to compare his or her material assets with other children. For instance, if a child demands a toy merely because a neighbour has got a new one, such a craving should not be entertained. Such children end up constantly comparing themselves with other people. Parents have to curb this tendency at a very early stage.

Appeasement does not have long-term effect

In order to keep their daily routine hassle-free, parents tend to please children. However, overt appeasement has short-term gains. Children tend to lose respect for their parents. They look upon parents as mere scarecrows. The policy does not pay in the long run. Therefore parents should not enter into a popularity contest. They must have the courage to call a spade a spade.


Never give in out of guilt

Some parents tend to please children out of guilt. For instance, a working mother comes home late. She is harried. She does not have time for attending to the child’s homework. The child asks for an ice cream after dinner. Despite knowing the fact that an ice cream can cause a bad throat, the mother gives in. The child is smart enough to know the reason behind the bribe/favour. This scenario is universally applicable. Therefore, parents should not let guilt get the better of them. They must have the courage to face the child’s tantrums.

Does Your Child Watch Too Much TV?

There was a time when homework was given first priority, and everything else followed. However, nowadays it seems that the only time children do their homework is when nothing good is coming on television – or, of course, when parents hang the Damocles’ sword on their head.

Television is affecting sleep, studies, mealtimes…. If your child’s favourite programme is on, she will only go to bed when it gets over. The ‘trash’ that might affect young, impressionable minds gives parents sleepless nights. So how would you tackle this problem?


Make it a Family Decision

If you tell your child “No watching telelvision after 9:30 at night," you can be sure that’s one rule that’s not going to be adhered to. You should involve your child in the decision as well. Have a family meeting and say “There’s a problem. How are ‘we’ going to solve it?”

Choices

Give your child the choice of programmes and timings. Sit with her while she makes a study plan and tell her that this plan will have to be adhered to. Let her choose for herself when she wants to study and when she wants to watch television. You will, however, have to hold her to it. The minute you slack off, so will your child.


Watching Trash

Children may be drawn towards programmes with violent or horror themes. You may find it unsuitable, but arguing will get you nowhere. You could, instead, sit with your children and discuss the programme after it is over.


Let Children Think for Themselves

Don’t impose your opinions. Tease them into expressing their own. Ask them who they thought the ‘bad guy’ was, and why. There is an inbuilt moral lesson to be learnt from most programmes – the bad guy never wins. Turn this to your advantage. Ask your children if they think it’s fun to beat up someone, and what they thought was right and wrong.


A Critical Eye

While watching a movie you could pass comments on how unbelievable and unrealistic certain aspects of the plot are – and you’ll find plenty such aspects when watching a Hindi movie! This will help your children develop a critical eye and spot an absurdity when they come across it.


Educational Programmes

Encourage your children to watch educational programmes on television. They would only be interested in watching Discovery Channel and the like if you inculcate an interest in such channels. If a programme on bees is coming up, you could give your children some fascinating facts, perhaps show them a book or article on bees. This will build their interest.


Cartoons

Get your children a colouring book of their favourite cartoon characters. Encourage them to sketch these favourite characters. You never know what undiscovered creative talents are hiding behind their mischievous exteriors.

The television need not be such an enemy if you know how to cope with it, and use it to your advantage.

Do you spank your child?

Willingly or unwillingly, parents tend to beat their children as a disciplining measure. However, latest research confirms that spanking perpetuates violence in children and lowers their self-esteem. Here are some alternative strategies that can help parents to avoid spanking.

Parents often beat and slap their children, quite oblivious of the fact that spanking perpetuates violence in children. But latest scientific research confirms that spanking teaches children to use aggression as a means to achieve their ends. It has been observed that children who have been spanked are more prone to low self-esteem, depression and acceptance of low-paying jobs.

It has been observed that parents beat up their children only out of their inability to do anything else. They regret slapping the child but cannot think of any other positive disciplinary measure. According to the International Network for Children and Families (INCAF), parents can take recourse in many positive strategies for improving a child’s behaviour.

Here are some:

* Do not spank, remain calm

If a parent loses control over his or her emotions, the child is very likely to play with them. Therefore, silence is the buzzword. Just leave the situation and calm down, as that will help you to gain self-control.
* Take time off for yourself

Parents are more prone to use spanking when they haven’t had any time to themselves and they feel depleted and hurried. So, it is important for parents to take some time off for themselves to exercise, read, take a walk or pray.
* Be kind but firm

Another frustrating situation where parents tend to spank is when the child hasn’t listened to repeated requests, especially if the child is taking things lightly. But the best solution is to bend down to your child’s height, make eye contact, touch him gently and tell him, in a short, kind but firm phrase. Do not display your helplessness.
* Provide choice

Giving your child a choice is an effective alternative to spanking. ``Would you like to stop playing with your food or would you like to leave the table?” If the child continues to play with the food, ask him or her to leave. Allow the child to come back only when he or she obeys.
* Explain logical consequences

Do not threaten your child with physical punishment. Explain your stance logically. If you beat him after he breaks a neighbour’s window, you might stop him at that moment. But, he might hide such mistakes from you later, in order to avoid getting beaten up. Instead, ask the child to take responsibility for the broken widow pane.
* Make-up

When children break agreements, parents tend to want to punish them. But, allow the child to make amends. Give him or her enough time and opportunity to carry out corrective measures and win your confidence.
* Avoid conflict

Children who sass back at parents may provoke a parent to slap. In this situation, it is best if you withdraw from the situation immediately. Do not leave the room in anger or defeat. Calmly say, "I’ll be in the next room when you want to talk more respectfully.’’
* Inform children ahead of time

A child’s temper tantrum can easily set a parent off. Children frequently throw tantrums when they feel uninformed or powerless in a situation. Instead of telling your child he has to leave his friend’s house in a moment’s notice, tell him that you will be leaving in five minutes. This allows the child to complete what he was in the process of doing.

Managing your Child's Fears

Introduction

Babies are unpredictable. In the early days of their lives they are like fearless, intrepid explorers. They go boldly into the great unknown. Then overnight these brave adventurers become scared of their own shadows. They develop the most irrational fears. They are scared of the most innocuous things. Sometimes you can’t help but feel impatient when you see your child screaming hysterically at the sight of a dog or at the sound of the fire engine alarm. The whole thing seems inexplicable.

You have to understand that your child’s early fearlessness stems from the fact that ignorance is bliss. What they don’t know can’t hurt them. This is why the same child that cheerfully put her hand between the jaws of a dog, will later run away screaming at the sight of a barking dog. Somewhere along the way she has learnt that dogs can bite. As the child grows older, her imagination and curiosity develop side by side. She learns the potential dangers of certain actions and objects and the reasons why it is so. As she makes these connections, her awareness makes her cautious and sometimes frightened.

It has been observed that these fears develop more often in children for whom feeding and toilet training have been contentious issues, or in those who have overprotective parents or who have been regularly warned or cautioned against doing certain things. On the other hand, some children are just born sensitive.

Fear of the dark

Fear of the dark is one of the most common childhood fears. This is also a fear that adults can most easily identify with. The average adult is not as confident and even a little shaky in the dark. The lack of the ability to see clearly acts as a spur to the imagination leading most people to imagine that somebody is creeping up on them. If your child is scared of the dark you can indulge her by leaving her bedroom door open or leaving a night light on. Keep her well occupied with games and other activities throughout the day so that she has no time to brood on her fears. In time, she will realize that there is nothing to fear.

Tangible fears

Sometimes children develop fears of tangible things like dogs, cockroaches, the water, men in uniforms, etc. It is not necessary for the child to have had a frightening experience with any of the objects of their fears. It will certainly not help to coerce them to overcome their fear by forcing them to confront the objects of their fears. There is a good chance that dragging your screaming child towards a dog or throwing her into a swimming pool is going to backfire. Children most often outgrow these fears themselves. Sometimes they find that acting out the fear, like pulverizing a stuffed toy dog, is therapeutic.

Fear of death

Some children are scared of death and dying. They cannot understand what happens to their pets or people who die. This is not surprising as adults themselves are confused by death. Adults themselves find it difficult to comprehend the finality of it all and its relation to life. So how do you explain it to a child? Some parents choose to explain death in religious terms. They tell their child that the deceased has gone up to God in heaven. On the other hand, parents can just deal with death by saying that the person was old, weak and too tired to go on living. It is important that parents maintain a casual air and reassure their child that they will be around for years and years to come.

Penis anxiety

Children often exhibit a fearful response at the sight of a crippled or deformed person. This stems from the apprehension that it could happen to them too. The difference in male and female genitalia can be a cause for concern for children. Boys feel that the absence of a penis in girls could mean that something terrible happened and may be the penis fell off. In which case, this makes them vulnerable too. The same thought occurs to little girls. They feel that they have been deprived of this essential body part in mysterious circumstances. Parents should explain that this difference is a given and that men and women are just made differently. The lack of a penis does not make a girl inferior to a boy in any way.

Some children, around the age of two, scream in protest when their stool is flushed down the pot. These children realize that the stool is a product of their body and become quite possessive about it. That is why they sometimes evince fear about flushing the pot because they feel that they are losing a part of themselves.

Fear at the movies

Some parents think that their child would find a trip to the movies a fascinating experience. Picking out an appropriate animated feature, they sally forth with the child. Much to their astonishment, the child begins to wail when the wicked witch appears in the first five minutes and demands to be taken home. Parents must remember that children below the age of seven often find it difficult to separate fiction and reality because of their overactive imaginations. Thus, movies may not be a good idea for children in this age group.

A positive approach

Always keep in mind that while you may not understand the child’s fear, it is very real to her. Ridiculing the fear or chastising your child for being a coward is not going to make the situation any better. Encourage her to talk about her fear. You must instill confidence in her by assuring her that nothing bad is going to happen and that you are right by her side. While it is important to be sympathetic, do not overdo it. Your child may get the message that her fears are justified.

Do you talk to your child about sex and sexuality?

How and how much should a growing child be told about taboo subjects.

Your son, who turns twelve tomorrow, wants to know why Rishika sometimes get a blood stain on her white uniform. Your neighbour’s daughter would like to know why her brother’s voice has begun to sound so hoarse? And why can’t she also pee while standing?


Questions, questions! Most parents have to face a barrage of questions from adolescent children. While these 'questions' seem embarrassing at face value, they need to be tactfully addressed at some point of time.


Be clear and candid

As a parent, you should be clear in your mind as to how and what should a child know about sex and sexuality. While you cannot let out every little detail about taboo subjects, you should be able to tackle the questions intelligently. Parents have to also consider the fact that children get information from magazines, television and the Internet. Therefore, there is no point in avoiding any queries. Parents shy away from the questions of adolescent children, quite forgetting the fact that their children might resort to some trashy magazines or a misinformed peer group.


No pride, no shame

Sexuality is a very important facet of life. Your children should have a healthy attitude towards sex and allied issues. While they should not indulge themselves in their anatomical assets, they should not even feel ashamed about any bodies. They must have a positive perspective about the members of the opposite sex. For instance, your teenage son should not take undue pride in his muscular superiority over the neighborhood girls. Similarly, your daughter should not hesitate to participate in the basketball competition merely because of her sex.


Set an example

Your behaviour, as parents, should set some inherent standards for the family. For example, an unsure and unstable mother cannot give a reasonable explanation to her daughter about the need for wearing a brassiere at the right age. Similarly, a father who looks upon women as sex objects cannot stop his son from eve teasing. Therefore, parents have to create a reasonable value system for their children. They have to draw the dividing line between promiscuity and openness.


Discuss

Whether it is a son’s query over pubic hair or a daughter’s complaint against pre-menstrual cramps, parents must give a patient hearing. It is always advisable for both the parents to think together. Such teamwork also gives the right signals to the children. The couple can segregate their responsibilities. For instance, a mother will be able to better relate to her daughter’s psyche than to her adolescent son. Similarly, a son will be able to discuss certain problems only with the father. However, situations will have to be judged separately, without deriving universally applicable solutions.


Other sources of information

Library books, educational television, academic workshops, selected sites on the Internet are among the credible sources of information for growing children. Sex education is an essential ingredient of any school curriculum. Parents should explain certain aspects to children by taking the help of their Biology and Science textbooks. For instance, if a boy is curious to know about pregnancy, parents must provide information not only from personal experience but also school textbooks.

My Child Fails Every Test

Tests make them nervous

It’s inexplicable, but your child just can’t seem to do well in tests. It’s not that he’s lacking in intelligence because you’ve personally done revisions with him and he definitely knows all the answers at home. But his test results are always poor to dismal.

Today, the pressure on children to perform and achieve is tremendous. Parents are pulling out their hair and feeling like they are back in school again as they try to jog their memories and fathom the mysteries of fractions, decimals, maps, historical events, and the basic principles of science. They will try anything to get their children to perform – cajoling, screaming, bribing, extra classes, etc. But sometimes nothing seems to work.

The problem, in such cases, is one of test anxiety. Children become so nervous about the test that when faced with a blank answer sheet, their minds go blank, even if they are well prepared. Most parents find it hard to believe that mere nervousness can make a child forget everything he’s learned and fervently pray that he’ll grow out of it.

Short circuit of the brain

Some researchers give a physiological explanation for test anxiety. According to them, when a child prepares for a test, the information is stored in the short-term memory. The area of the brain that controls short term memory is also the centre for emotion. Thus, when a child becomes anxious during a test, the emotional upheaval overrides the child’s ability to retrieve the information from the short-term memory.

Studying the wrong way

Sometimes a child may have used the wrong method to prepare for a test. For instance, a child revises for a spelling test by spelling the words out orally, but when faced with the blank lined sheet of paper, he cannot seem to get the spellings right. In such a case, it may be a good idea for parents to give him a mock written spelling test at home the night before.

Too much pressure

Parents can unwittingly pressure their child to such an extent that they cannot perform. Even before they have answered the first question, they are worried that they might not meet their parents’ expectations of their performance. This anxiety obviously steals their concentration and they perform poorly. Parents should try not to lay too much stress on the importance of doing well in the test. No doubt, it is important, but if your child is going to be so petrified of failing that it affects his performance, how does it help? Try to make them look at tests from another point of view, as a method for teachers to assess whether their teaching is effective. Reassure them that you’re sure that they’ll do better next time.

Lack of confidence

Other children are just not confident enough. There are many children who revise the material again and again because they are convinced they don’t know it well enough. Even though they are so well prepared, the same children will be twiddling their pencils between their fingers, desperately thinking about what to write during an exam. This happens because when they see even a couple of questions to which the answer doesn’t immediately come to mind, they are convinced that they know nothing and accept defeat without even trying to recall the information.

Studying is ‘uncool’

By the time they are teenagers, it’s not considered ‘cool’ to study too hard for tests. As a result, studying is usually done at the last minute and naturally leads to panic. Children cannot be expected to absorb information if they are constantly wondering if they’ll be able to finish studying the material before the night is over. The best that parents can do is to make their children put up the test schedule on the calendar so they know how many days they have to go before the test. It’s another matter entirely whether children actually look at the calendar.

Overprotective Parents

Is my child safe?

Sonali Sharma will not send her eight-year old son on the school bus because she has heard that the bus drivers drive rashly. Preeti Mishra does not allow her twelve-year old daughter to sleep over at her friends’ houses because she feels that she is not sure if other parents will provide adequate supervision. Lynn D’Souza says she gets the jitters every time her son climbs onto the jungle gym in the park because she is convinced he will fall and hurt himself. Mukesh Mehta did not allow his daughter to go on a school picnic to the beach for fear that she may drown.

When a child is born, it seems so fragile, feeble and tiny that it is only natural for parents to feel fiercely protective. Parents feel responsible for these tiny creatures that they have brought into the ‘big, bad world’ and intend to be their guardian angels for the rest of their lives. Parents want to shield their children from all conceivable harm, but for how long and to what extent? Parents need to remember that children do grow up. They cannot expect their children to hold ‘mummy or daddy’s’ hand forever as they make their way through life. Children do not tiptoe through life, they romp, they run, they jump, and they explore. Given this scenario, parents should accept that scratches, cuts, bruises, and broken limbs are all a part of childhood. Parents who constantly run interference between their children and the real world are actually doing more harm than good.


Inappropriate fears

This does not mean that children are the best judges of the risk involved in any activity or that parents should not be cautious. But how does a parent know if he or she is being unnecessarily fearful for his or her child’s safety? Parents who view every physical activity as being potentially dangerous; those who only feel reassured when their children are under their watchful eyes; those who are more anxious than their children that something will go wrong; those who hover over their children constantly giving instructions; those who rule out all activities that have an even remote possibility of resulting in an accident; those who feel that their children cannot cross a road without being run over or go out alone without being abducted are parents who could be said to have inappropriate fears.


Downsides of being Overly Protective

Parent’s fears for their children’s safety, if extreme, can have an adverse effect on their children’s confidence and self-esteem. By molly-coddling a child, a parent is only making the child more dependent and inhibiting her attempts to learn to do things by herself. Overprotective parents unintentionally send out a message to their children that they are incapable of handling things by themselves. In addition, the parents’ fears transmit themselves to the children who, in turn, begin to perceive dangers lurking in every new activity and experience. It has been observed that children have fewer falls, tumbles and injuries when left to play by themselves than with parents constantly cautioning them, and ready to leap forward at the slightest sign of danger. Parents who fear that an activity may be risky should warn their children beforehand rather than while they are engaged in the activity. Else, the warnings merely serve to transmit the fear to the children and distract them, leading to a greater probability of an accident.

When a child does something on her own for the first time, it is a great accomplishment, even if it is something as insignificant as learning to ride a bicycle. Parents who wrap their children in cotton wool, in a manner of speaking, are denying their children this pleasure.


Over-protectiveness with older children

Older children most often do not perceive parental overprotectiveness as stemming from love and concern. They believe that their parents just do not trust them to be sensible and responsible. Older children can react to their parents’ excessive fear in one of two ways: compliance or resistance. If parents voice their fears in terms of doubts, e.g. “Are you sure you can do it?” or give them dire warnings of the worst case scenario, it can result in the children giving up the idea or activity altogether because they too begin to doubt their capability. On the other hand, children can react with defiance.

Parents of such children begin to lack credibility in their children’s eyes because they seem to have an extreme view that the world in general is a dangerous place. They feel that they are denied the normal pursuits of their peers merely because their parents have unfounded and baseless fears. Such children react with resistance because they believe that their parents perceive them as being accident-prone and having poor judgement.


How to be less overprotecting: Establishing lines of communication

Overprotective parents should change their attitude if they want their children to grow up as independent, confident adults. If a parent suspects that he is excessively protective, fearful and inhibiting, then as a first step, he should confirm his doubt by asking the other parent for an opinion. In the case of a single parent, he can share his concerns with someone equally concerned for the child’s welfare or even other parents. This will act as a reality check. While he need not adopt other people’s opinions as gospel truth, the advice and information will help him make an informed decision about what is safe for his child.

The second step he should take is listen to his child. He should try to convey to his child that his caution stems from concern for the child’s safety and not from a lack of trust in the child’s competence. He could discuss the dangers of the activity with the child and advise him what to do in case of an emergency. He should make judgements based on an assessment of the child’s overall competence and judgement.

Despite adopting these measures, there may still be several occasions where a parent may still deny his child permission to participate in an activity. But this is a parent’s prerogative and has the weight of experience and superior judgement behind it. What is safe and acceptable for one child may not be so for another. At the end of the day, parents are the best judges of what activities are acceptable for their children in terms of safety. However, the child will realize that while she may be denied this particular pleasure, there will be other activities that will be permissible. What is safe and acceptable will always be a bone of contention between parents and children, but the important thing is for parents to realize that sometimes they just need to let go.

Are Parents Fair to their Children?

It's not fair

10-year-old Vinay says, "Mummy always shouts at me. She never says anything to my younger brother Aayush. Just because he's small he can do anything." One hears myriad complaints from children that their parents are being unfair. "My older sister gets more pocket money than me." My brother is allowed to sleep over at his friend's houses because he is a boy." "Daddy always takes her side when we fight."

Good intentions

Most parents start out with good intentions. They want to be scrupulously fair in their dealings with their children and treat all their children the same way without discriminating between them. Parents endeavor to give their children similar presents so that nobody should be left out. Some parents make a conscious effort to try not to lose their temper with one child more than the other. They try to apply rules of discipline impartially to all their children. Yet, despite their best efforts, children continue to complain that they are getting the short end of the stick. Is there something wrong?

While it is admirable that parents want to rear their children without discriminating between them, this is at best an admirable theory or a guideline to adopt while parenting. Parents who feel guilty when their children accuse them of being unjust can rest assured that it is virtually impossible to stick to your resolve of constant fairness.

Unrealistic expectations

Constant fairness is an unrealistic expectation of parents because they have failed to factor in the most basic element of human error and their capacity to misjudge situation and overreact which is quite normal. While you can work towards the goal of being fair, do not be dismayed if you find yourself straying off the path. Parents are human after all.

When parents think that they can always be fair, they have to realize that it's not like disciplining soldiers in the army. Each child is different and has his own temperament. Some children are easy to talk to and reason with. Others can be stubborn and naughty and will need a firmer hand. There is no way that one blanket approach can cover them all. Some children get shouted at more often because they don't respond to any other kind of discipline.

Playing fair can backfire

Parents should also keep in mind that by sticking rigidly to the 'always fair no matter what' attitude they may be doing their children a disservice. Children are entitled their special praise and privileges depending on their needs and when they earn it. If you deny them, it will just make them feel resentful and neglected.

It is difficult to be fair when settling squabbles between siblings, especially when you cannot identify what happened or who started it or who finished it. Every child will present his own version, but you cannot afford to take any child's word over the others. You will have to deal with them as you see fit, even if it means that one or more of your children feel that they have been unjustly dealt with.

So instead of concentrating so hard on being fair parents, may be you should work harder on ways to make your children feel loved.

9 Steps to More Effective Parenting

Effective Tips

9 Steps to More Effective Parenting

Raising children is one of the toughest and most fulfilling jobs in the world and the one for which you may be the least prepared. Learning “on the job” how to be a parent can be fraught with pitfalls. As advocates for children , we at the Dupont Hospital for Children want to help you raise healthy and happy children. Here are some ways to tackle your child-rearing responsibilities that will help you feel more fulfilled as a parent, and enjoy your children more, too.

1. Nurture your child’s self esteem

Children start developing their sense of self as babies when they see themselves through your eyes. Your tone of voice, your body language, and your every expression is absorbed by your child. Your words and actions as parents affect your child’s developing self-image more than anything else in his world. Consequently, praising your child for his accomplishment, however small, will make him feel proud; letting him to do things for himself will make him feel capable and independent. By contrast, belittling your child or comparing him unfavorably to another will make him feel worthless.

Avoid making loaded statement or using words as a weapons: “What a stupid thing to do!” or “You act more like a baby than your little brother!” Comments like these bruise the inside of a child as much as blows the outside. Choose your words carefully and be compassionate. Let your child know that everyone makes and that while you may not like his behavior. You still love him.

2. Catch your child being good

Have you ever stopped to think about how many times you react negatively to your child in a given day? You may find that you are criticizing far more than you are complimenting. How would you feel about a boss who treated you with that much negative guidance?

The more effective approach is to catch your child doing something right, and praise her to the skies. “You made your bed without being asked-that’s terrific!” or “I was watching you play with your sister and you were very patient!” These statements will do more to encourage good behavior over the long run than repeated scolding. Make a point of finding something to praise every day. Be generous with rewards-your love, hugs and compliments can work wonders and are often rewards enough. Soon you will find you are “growing” more of the behavior you would like to see.

3. Set limits and be consistent with your discipline

Discipline is necessary in every household. The goal of discipline is to help children choose acceptable behaviors. Children may test the limits you establish for them but they need limits to grow into responsible adults. Establishing house rules might include: homework is to be done before any television privileges are granted, or hitting, name-calling and hurtful teasing are unacceptable.

You may want to have a system in place: one warning, followed by consequences such as “time out” or loss of privileges. A common mistake parents makes is failure to follow through with consequence when rules are broken. A rule without consequences is not a rule at all-it’s a threat. You can’t discipline a child for talking back one day, and ignore it the next. Being consistent sets an example of what expect from our children.

4. Make time for your children

With so many demands on your time, it’s often difficult for parents and children to get together for a family meal, let alone spend some quality time together. However, there is probably nothing your child would like more. Get up 10 minutes earlier in the morning so you can eat breakfast with your child or leave the dishes in the sink and take a walk after dinner. Children who are not getting the attention they want from their parents often act out or misbehave because they are assured of being noticed. Many parents find it mutually rewarding to have prescheduled time with their child on a regular basis. For instance, tell your child Tuesday is her special night with Mommy and let her help decide how you will spend your time together. Look for ways to connect with your child without actually being there-put a note or something special in her lunchbox.

Adolescents seem to need the undivided attention of their parents less than younger children. Since there are fewer windows of opportunity for parents and teen to get together, parents should do their best to be available when their teen does express a desire to talk or participate in family activities.

Don’t feel too guilty if you’re a working parent. Quantity is not nearly as important as what you do with the bits and pieces of time you have with your child. It is the many little things you do together-making popcorn playing cards and window-shopping that your child will remember.

5. Be a good role model

Young children learn a great deal about how to act by watching you. The younger they are, the more cues they take from you. Before you lash out or blow your top in front of your child, think about this: Is that how you want him to behave when he’s angry? Be constantly aware that you are being observed by your children. Studies have shown that children who hit usually have a role model for aggression at home.

Instead, model the traits you whish to cultivate in your child; respect, friendliness, honesty, kindness. Exhibit unselfish behavior. Do things for other people without expecting a reward, such as taking dinner to sick neighbor. Express thanks; offer compliments. Above all, treat your children the way you expect other people to treat you.

6. Make communication a priority

You can’t expect children to do everything simply because you, as parents, “say so.” Children want and deserve explanations as much as adults do. If we don’t take time to explain, children will begin to wonder about our values and motives and whether they have any basis. Parents who reason with their children allow them to understand and learn in a non-judgmental way.

Make your expectations clear. If there is a problem, describe it to your child, express your feelings about it and invite your child to work on a solution with you. Be sure to include consequences. Make suggestions and offer choice. Be open to your child’s suggestions as well. Negotiate with her. Children who participate in decisions are more motivated to carry them out.

7. Be flexible and willing to adjust your parenting style

If you frequently feel “let down” by your child’s behavior, it may be because you have unrealistic expectations for her. Parents who think in “should”, e.g., “She should be potty-trained by now”, may find it helpful to do more reading on the matter or talk to other parents or child development specialists. This may enable you to adjust your expectations to a more realistic level.

The environment in which your child moves also has an impact on her behavior. For example, you may be able to modify your 2-year-old’s behavior by changing her environment. If you find yourself constantly saying “NO” to her, there are surely ways to restructure her surroundings so that fewer things are off-limits. This will cause les frustration for both of you.

As your child changes, you will probably have to change your parenting style, too. Many parents find it helpful at some point to draw up a “kiddie contract” to encourage good behavior and motivate their child. This can be as simple as a weekly list of chores and responsibilities posted on the refrigerator. Chances are, what works with your child now won’t work forever.

Teenagers tend to look less to their parents and more to their peers for examples of how to be. Continue to provide guidance and appropriate discipline while allowing your child to earn more independence. And seize every available moment to make a connection!

8. Show your love is unconditional

As a parent, you are responsible for correcting and guiding your child. But how you express your corrective guidance makes all the difference in how your child receives it. When you have to confront your child, avoid blaming, criticizing or faultfinding, which undermine his self-esteem and can lead to resentment. Instead, strive to nurture and encourage even when you are disciplining your child. Make sure he knows that while you want and expect him to do better next time, you love him-no matter what.

9. Be aware of your own needs and limitations as a parent

Face it you are an imperfect parent. You have strengths and weaknesses as a family leader. Recognize your abilities, “I’m loving and dedicated”. Vow to work on your weaknesses. “I need to be more consistent with discipline”. Try to have realistic expectations of yourself, your spouse and your children. You don’t have to have all the answers be forgiving of yourself. And try to make parenting a manageable job. Focus on the areas that need the most attention rather than trying to address everything all at once. Admit it when you’re burned out. Take time out from parenting to do thing that will make you happy as a person and as a couple. Focusing on your needs does not make you selfish. It simply means you care about your own well-being. Which is another important value to model for your children.

60 Ways To Say ‘Well Done’

That’s super

Spot on

I like it

Super stuff

Really great

What a good try

Brilliant

Clever (boy/girl)

I’m impressed

What a brainwave

You do work well

Very imaginative

Nice try

That’s good work

Superb

Well remembered

Good logic

Excellent work

Good thinking

You’re a star

You are doing well

Great try

Quick thinking

Well done

Well figured out

I like that

Congratulations

You are doing great

You’ve done really well

Keep on trying

You show real promise

You have great ideas

You’ve mastered it

Well thought out

You’ve fitted a lot in

How imaginative you are

Good problem solving

What a perfect example

Well worked through

I’m very proud of you

I’m proud of your work

You are really tuned into work today

It’s a pleasure to see you work like that.

One more attempt and you’ll be there

You’re work is improving

You are a pleasure to teach

Beautiful job

That’s good thinking

A very good try

You learn quickly

You’ve got the hang of it

You’ve done better than ever

That’s a fine attempt

You’re a problem solver

I couldn’t have done better myself

You soon mastered that

You really stuck with it

You don’t give up

You’ve got that down to a fine art

Ten Keys to Successful Parenting

It is important that we discipline in a way that teaches responsibility by motivating our children internally, to build their self-esteem and make them feel loved. If our children are disciplined in this respect, they will not have a need to turn to gangs, drugs, or sex to feel powerful or belong.

The following ten keys will help parents use methods that have been proven to provide children with a sense of well-being and security.
1 - Use Genuine Encounter Moments (GEMS)

Your child's self-esteem is greatly influenced by the quality of time you spend with him-not the amount of time that you spend. With our busy lives, we are often thinking about the next thing that we have to do, instead of putting 100% focused attention on what our child is saying to us. We often pretend to listen or ignore our child's attempts to communicate with us. If we don't give our child GEMS throughout the day, he will often start to misbehave. Negative attention in a child's mind is better than being ignored.

It is also important to recognize that feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. So when your child says to you, "Mommy, you never spend time with me" (even though you just played with her) she is expressing what she feels. It is best at these times just to validate her feelings by saying, "Yeah, I bet it does feel like a long time since we spent time together."
2 - Use Action, Not Words

Statistics say that we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a day! No wonder our children become "parent deaf!" Instead of nagging or yelling, ask yourself, "What action could I take?" For example, if you have nagged your child about unrolling his socks when he takes them off, then only wash socks that are unrolled. Action speaks louder than words.
3 - Give Children Appropriate Ways to Feel Powerful

If you don't, they will find inappropriate ways to feel their power. Ways to help them feel powerful and valuable are to ask their advice, give them choices, let them help you balance your check book, cook all our part of a meal, or help you shop. A two-year-old can wash plastic dishes, wash vegetables, or put silverware away. Often we do the job for them because we can do it with less hassle, but the result is they feel unimportant.
4 - Use Natural Consequences

Ask yourself what would happen if I didn't interfere in this situation? If we interfere when we don't need to, we rob children of the chance to learn from the consequences of their actions. By allowing consequences to do the talking, we avoid disturbing our relationships by nagging or reminding too much. For example, if your child forgets her lunch, you don't bring it to her. Allow her to find a solution and learn the importance of remembering.
5 - Use Logical Consequences

Often the consequences are too far in the future to practically use a natural consequence. When that is the case, logical consequences are effective. A consequence for the child must be logically related to the behavior in order for it to work. For example, if your child forgets to return his video and you ground him for a week, that punishment will only create resentment within your child. However, if you return the video for him and either deduct the amount from his allowance or allow him to work off the money owed, then your child can see the logic to your discipline.
6 - Withdraw from Conflict

If your child is testing you through a temper tantrum, or being angry or speaking disrespectfully to you, it is best if you leave the room or tell the child you will be in the next room if he wants to "Try again." Do not leave in anger or defeat.
7 - Separate the Deed from the Doer

Never tell a child that he is bad. That tears at his self-esteem. Help your child recognize that it isn't that you don't like him, but it is his behavior that you are unwilling to tolerate. In order for a child to have healthy self-esteem, he must know that he is loved unconditionally no matter what he does. Do not motivate your child by withdrawing your love from him. When in doubt, ask yourself, did my discipline build my child's self-esteem?
8 - Be Kind and Firm at the Same Time

Suppose you have told your five-year-old child that if she isn't dressed by the time the timer goes off, you will pick her up and take her to the car. She has been told she can either get dressed either in the car or at school. Make sure that you are loving when you pick her up, yet firm by picking her up as soon as the timer goes off without any more nagging. If in doubt, ask yourself, did I motivate through love or fear?
9 - Parent with the End in Mind

Most of us parent with the mindset to get the situation under control as soon as possible. We are looking for the expedient solution. This often results in children who feel overpowered. But if we parent in a way that keeps in mind how we want our child to be as an adult, we will be more thoughtful in the way we parent. For example, if we spank our child, he will learn to use acts of aggression to get what he wants when he grows up.
10 - Be Consistent, Follow Through

If you have made an agreement that your child cannot buy candy when she gets to the store, do not give in to her pleas, tears, demands or pouting. Your child will learn to respect you more if you mean what you say.

Development during Adolescence
Coping up with Peer Pressure
Dating Teens
Early Adolescents
Late Adolescents
Middle Adolescents
Peer Pressure
Understanding Puberty
Tattoos & Piercings
Teen Marriage
Teen Pregnancy
Teens & Parental Authority

Single Parenting
Choosing Birth Partner for Single Moms
Single Moms by Choice
Fatherless Boys - Breaking the Myths
Holiday Ideas for Single Moms
Home Buying Tips for Single Parents
Living Trust for Single Mothers
Questions about Missing Parent
Tips for Raising a Boy for Single Moms
Raising Daughter as a Single Dad
Tips to Relax for Single Parents
Total Parent


Common Infant Illnesses
Colds In An Infant
Constipation in Children
Diarrhea In A Baby
Ear Infections In Infants
Fever In Children
GERD In Newborns
RSV In Babies
Causes of SIDS
SIDS Prevention Tips
Treating Constipation in Babies

Health Problems in Kids
ADHD
Proteinuria in Children
Stool Soiling in Children
Tics & Tourette's Syndrome in Children
Treating ADHD
Treatment of Proteinuria
Urinary Reflux in Children
Urinary Tract Infections in Children
Vaccines - Myths And Facts
Weight Gain In Long and Lean Babies

Behavior Problems in Children
Stopping Baby Bites
Learning Good Behavior for Kids
Behavior Correction Tips
Fear of Strangers
Hair Pulling
Mood Swings in Toddlers
Habit of Stripping Clothes in Kids
Time-Outs As Punishments
Toddler Tantrums

Childproofing Your Home
Introducing Babies & Pets
Back-to-Work Baby Anxiety
Buy & Not to Buy for Newborns
Selecting Crèche For Children
First Birthday Celebration
Shape Sorter Toys for Toddlers
Smart Rewards for Babies
Using Sunscr

Handling Teething Babies
Soothing Babies With Sore Gums
Cavity Control in Toddlers
Sippy Cups & Cavities

Handling Picky Eaters
Eating Problems in Children
First Foods for the Baby
Handling Babies Spitting Up Milk

Advantages of Breast Milk
Baby from Bottle to Breast
Breast Milk & Immunity System
Breastfeeding - Myths & Facts

Child Development Tips
Communication Skills
Controlling Active Babies
Hide & Seek
Language Milestones
Developing People's Skills
Promoting Language Skills


Step Parenting Tips
Changing Role of Step Parenting
Disciplining Stepchildren
Smart Stepparenting Tips
Stepfamily Integration with Stepchild
Understanding Losses of Stepchildren

Potty Training
Potty Training Tools & Tips
Teaching how to use Toilets
Enuresis or Bed Wett

Child Care Tips
Baby Massage Tips
Car Seat Safety Tips
Colic Soothers
Carrying the Growing Baby
Diapering Fidgeting Babies
Weaning Strategies for Babies

Handling Twins or Multiples
Baby Gear for Twins
Babysitters For Twins
Challenges of Multiples
Feeding and Sleeping Twins
Joys of Raising Twins
Mom of Multiples & Individuality

Child Developmental Milestones
Chart for Young Children
Chart for Babies
Chart for Children
Milestone Chart for Infants
Milestone Chart for Kids
Milestone Chart for Toddlers

Baby's Health Assessment
Immunization Schedule for Babies
Fever in the First Month
Food Allergies in Babies
Identifying Colic in Newborns
Taking Temperature in Babies

Sensory Development in Kids
Sense of Hearing in a Baby
Sight & Vision in Infants
Sense of Smell in Infants
Sense of Taste in a Baby
Sense of Touch in Babies

Childhood Injuries
Preventing Burns in Kids
Choking in Kids
Prevent Drowning Accidents
Fatal Falls & Accidental Injury
Poisoning in Children

Parenting Tips

Tips for Adoptive Parents
Adoptive & Normal Parenting
Adopting Older Children
Post Adoption Depression Syndrome
Post-Adoption Depression (PAD)
Natural & Adoptive Siblings
Adoptive Parents & Adoptees

Parents and Adult Children
Grown-up Children at Home
Adult Children Moving Back Home
Extended Family Relationships
Grandparents as Parents
In-Law Relations with Spouses
Problems in Children's Marriages

Motor Development in Babies
Tips for Bathing Babies
Handling Crib Climbers
Baby Grasping & Grabbing
Learning to Swim for Kids
Music Stimulate Health & Growth in Kids
Solving Baby Brainteasers